I'm Experiencing Pre-Game Jitters
Why do I suddenly feel like a total hack?
When it comes time to start working on a larger project, I am usually excited and ready to go. That is not the case with my next venture, and it is perhaps because I am jumping into something different. Instead of working on a story and fine-tuning the life out of it, I am going to do a serial tale where I will be flying by the seat of my pants.
THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!
After some serious anxiety issues that lasted for a couple of years and eventually landed me in the ER earlier this year, I am making a return to writing, and it all somehow feels off. I’m not sure if it’s the prospect of doing something so different that is bothering me, or the fact that now I am back on medication, I feel clearer headed. That clarity has me thinking that perhaps I’m not that great at writing, which, truth be told, is something that has always niggled away at me.
The other issue is that I am going to write this story much like a comedian going on stage with new material. It will be raw, edited to the best of my ability without any professional help, and it may well be riddled with errors. Yes, I will have beta readers helping, but shit will get through. My concern with that is those errors may impact my previous work, with new readers passing judgement on my abilities based on this one thing.
I have been talking myself out of this since getting back on meds, but I eventually made and posted a graphic saying that chapter 1 will be released to my website on December 1. The opening line is written, I’m happy with it, and yet I am still on pause. I have one more 8-Bit Horrors story to finish and post by the 15th of this month, plus I have the first December story finished, too, so there are no more excuses.
I suppose the only thing to do now is just wrote the damn thing, post it, chapter by chapter, and just hope that it is well received. Maybe I am stressing over nothing, or perhaps my total hackdom will finally see the light of day.
First, that cover image is SICK. Beautiful and macabre and deeply unsettling. Love it.
Second, I also struggle with anxiety and depression. I relate to your struggle. Keep going. Your worth it. Your words are worth it.
Third, I also stopped writing for about 10 years. I wrote tons of stuff for other people, but nothing for myself. I only started writing for myself again about 3 years ago -- and it still feels weird sometimes. Like I've forgotten how to do it. My only advice is to try and ignore the Doubt Gremlins and instead listen to your Muse who knows you've got this.
Fourth, I just have to say: Your writing is fantastic. I cannot wait to read this.
Fifth, I did a similar experiment here on Substack. My serial novella, GOOD CHOICES, was written and published on the same day. I wrote it, did minor editing, and shipped it out.
Is it full of errors? Yeah.
Did it get a lot of positive reactions and comments and shares anyway? YEAH! It totally did. Because Substack is a place for writers to share with writers. And we appreciate and respect the First Draft. It was super fun, I made some new friends here, and some day I'll go back and clean it up.
Be well!
When you work like this there is an expectation from the readers that it won’t be perfect but the joy of being on the journey with an author and even feeding back to them means that collaboration and seeing inside raw prose rather than polished publisher ready work is exciting. Just write from the hip and the bullets will still hit home.