From Mayhem of the Mind to Calm Creativity

How I crawled out of the darkness

On December 8, I turned 58 years old and realized that I am one step closer to my final breath. A few short months ago, that simple statement would have sent me spiraling but a lot has changed since my trip to the E.R. back in July. I am getting a little ahead of myself here, so let’s go back in time a little.

I’m not entirely sure when my depression and anxiety settled in, but it was finally diagnosed when I was 40. By that time, a lot of damage was done, with my first marriage coming to an end. About a year later, I was on Lexapro, living on my own, and feeling down, to the point where taking my own life felt like a very decent option. I managed to get through that, mostly because of my kids, and things changed for the better after meeting my current wife.

I also went through a strong period of creativity at this point, getting my first novel published before churning out 15 more novels and novellas over the next few years. I was off meds again and could feel myself breaking apart, piece by piece, on the inside. After Covid, things grew steadily worse. The creativity stopped, replaced by an almost constant voice in my head telling me how worthless I was.

I put on weight, let myself go, and let madness and mayhem reign in my mind. Before long, the panic attacks started coming, the worst of which came when my wife was out of time. I was convinced I was having a heart attack when I called her in the early hours of the morning. I then called 9-1-1 and was told what I already knew deep down…another panic attack.

I made it 3 days before it all fell apart again, and my wife drove me to the E.R. By the time we got inside, I was in a full emotional breakdown that required a wheelchair to get me inside. It was not my best look, but I felt that I was dying, that the weight of the world was finally going to crush me.

I was sent home after a battery of tests with an SSRI that felt like a tranquilizer. I muddled through until an appointment with my doctor. All manner of tests were run, and I was put back on Lexapro, as well as blood pressure medication. It only took a week for the light to come back on.

I started a healthier lifestyle, made a writing schedule, and essentially dragged myself out of a dark tunnel, albeit with my wife also pulling me along. Today, I feel strong and I also feel the creative light blazing inside. Places like Medium and Substack have helped me feel validated as a writer again, as the positive words on my work have helped me heal a little more.

I’m not sure how many more birthdays I will have, none of us know, but you can bet that you will all get the best of me between now and that final breath.