This was recommended to me by Becky Hayward credibilityandchaos. I am so glad I read this and grateful to her for mentioning it to me. Suicide is such a huge part of my story. I am in a good place no w, but a few weeks ago I was not. Reading stuff on substack has really helped, including your peace. It is so easy for me to fall into the negative self-loathing state. Even on meds. It sometimes pops up out of nowhere. I am glad you are doing better. and very grateful you shared this story.
I can relate. I've tried to channel all of the turmoil and negative thoughts into creativity. I'll turn 52 in a few weeks and have gone through similar vicissitudes. I recently subscribed on a recommendation from HVR and I look forward to reading your work
I'm so glad things are looking up for you, John. You mentioned the voice in your head telling you how worthless you were. In my battles with anxiety and depression, it's that shaming voice of judgement that gets magnified when our mental health is suffering that is actually the worst and hardest to overcome. The anxiety can feel like death, but that voice is what can actually result in death. Now that I'm in a better place, I've been playing with that voice in some of my drafts as a way to keep conquering it. It also made me think of the awful father in Nerve Damage. I'm curious if you find that your struggles have played a role at all in your writing i.e. added depth or inspired themes?
There are pieces of me in all the main characters in my stories. The villains are often fragments of my fears. When I wrote, Rotten, which is a man going slowly insane after contracting a flesh-eating disease, my brother-in-law was battling cancer, and I was at a very low ebb. All of it made it onto the pages in one way or another.
You are an inspiration! Back in time, I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I remember what they took of me, and how it affected my whole life. Then, I remember, one day I was with my brother and he said “please, sis, be normal again”… and he’s so young, such innocence soul.. that was the moment when I started taking care of myself!
It helps to have someone by your side willing to help pull you back into the light. My wife was like your brother in that regard. We are both very lucky.
This resonates so much with me. I struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. I married an emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive man, who reduced me to about the human equivalent of sea snot. I had no will, no spine, no dreams, nothing. And then we got divorced, and I lost my friends and family for a bit. I slept in a Walmart parking lot.
I fantasized about suicide. I abused drugs & alcohol. I abused my body by being with men I didn't care about. I cut myself. I had terrrible hallucinations in which my dead self came and tormented me, told me no one would miss me, that I should just get it over with, do everyone a favor.
It was writing -- and Prozac, and therapy -- that saved me. I turned everything I was afraid of -- all the hallucinations and evil voices and nightmares and moments of panic and chaos and disassociation -- into stories.
Glad you're still with us, John. Glad you are still writing!
The bit about Medium and Substack as validation spaces is worth its own essay. For those of us building in public, community isn't just nice, it's structural. Glad you're here.
This was recommended to me by Becky Hayward credibilityandchaos. I am so glad I read this and grateful to her for mentioning it to me. Suicide is such a huge part of my story. I am in a good place no w, but a few weeks ago I was not. Reading stuff on substack has really helped, including your peace. It is so easy for me to fall into the negative self-loathing state. Even on meds. It sometimes pops up out of nowhere. I am glad you are doing better. and very grateful you shared this story.
I can relate. I've tried to channel all of the turmoil and negative thoughts into creativity. I'll turn 52 in a few weeks and have gone through similar vicissitudes. I recently subscribed on a recommendation from HVR and I look forward to reading your work
Thank you for subbing
You're welcome
I follow HVR and saw this and had to subscribe and read. I have PTSD and have not written about my attempt to do. I will, but thank you for sharing…
I'm so glad things are looking up for you, John. You mentioned the voice in your head telling you how worthless you were. In my battles with anxiety and depression, it's that shaming voice of judgement that gets magnified when our mental health is suffering that is actually the worst and hardest to overcome. The anxiety can feel like death, but that voice is what can actually result in death. Now that I'm in a better place, I've been playing with that voice in some of my drafts as a way to keep conquering it. It also made me think of the awful father in Nerve Damage. I'm curious if you find that your struggles have played a role at all in your writing i.e. added depth or inspired themes?
There are pieces of me in all the main characters in my stories. The villains are often fragments of my fears. When I wrote, Rotten, which is a man going slowly insane after contracting a flesh-eating disease, my brother-in-law was battling cancer, and I was at a very low ebb. All of it made it onto the pages in one way or another.
You are an inspiration! Back in time, I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. I remember what they took of me, and how it affected my whole life. Then, I remember, one day I was with my brother and he said “please, sis, be normal again”… and he’s so young, such innocence soul.. that was the moment when I started taking care of myself!
It helps to have someone by your side willing to help pull you back into the light. My wife was like your brother in that regard. We are both very lucky.
This resonates so much with me. I struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. I married an emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive man, who reduced me to about the human equivalent of sea snot. I had no will, no spine, no dreams, nothing. And then we got divorced, and I lost my friends and family for a bit. I slept in a Walmart parking lot.
I fantasized about suicide. I abused drugs & alcohol. I abused my body by being with men I didn't care about. I cut myself. I had terrrible hallucinations in which my dead self came and tormented me, told me no one would miss me, that I should just get it over with, do everyone a favor.
It was writing -- and Prozac, and therapy -- that saved me. I turned everything I was afraid of -- all the hallucinations and evil voices and nightmares and moments of panic and chaos and disassociation -- into stories.
Glad you're still with us, John. Glad you are still writing!
Happy to hear you made it through. The old cliche of what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is absolutely true.
The bit about Medium and Substack as validation spaces is worth its own essay. For those of us building in public, community isn't just nice, it's structural. Glad you're here.
Thank you
Rotten sounds absolutely brutal, especially with that background. Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate reading about how authors process and work.
You deserve to be here and we, your subscribers - hear you, see you.
Thank you for that. Much appreciated.
So glad you're still here, John.
Thank you. Me too. I would have missed so much good stuff.
I'm so glad you got better.
Way to go.